Relative Reality
by Celestial Delinquent
Summary: It all depends how you look at it. A reality crew comes to Atlantis to document off world life.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note**: I stumbled on a writer's challenge that was to create a story involving a duck...this is what ensued. This first part is to introduce the film crew, don't worry they are not the focus of the fic. POV is the camera...hopefully that'll work out. This is set to the cast of season 4 –including Teyla. Anyway, thanks for reading and enjoy!

* * *

"Life is uncharted territory. It reveals its story one moment at a time." –Leo F. Buscaglia

**Prologue

* * *

**

"Are you getting this?" the director asked wiping off the lens with a white handkerchief, "If you drop this camera...it's coming out of your paycheck."

His face filled the scope of the film as he made sure it had been perfectly cleaned. Finally the man stopped and placed the cloth back in the pocket of his brown plaid long sleeve shirt. The buttons were partly undone revealing a dingy grey t-shirt underneath. Covering his uncombed hair was a silly lopsided black beret. The man looked ridiculous...

"Stop filming me..." he suddenly griped into the camera as he madly pointed in front of him.

Gradually the view turned capturing a handful of the film crew who stood in slight awe. Only the sound guy moved as he struggled to ready his microphone as a group of military men entered the room. The camera focused on them.

"So General Landry..." the director said as he extended his hand to one of the men, "What can you tell me about traveling through the gate? How does it feel?"

"Well Todd, I think you're just going to have to find that out for yourself," he replied as they shook hands, "Control, dial the gate."

A loud noise suddenly echoed through the concrete room.

"That way," Todd called waving off in the direction everyone was now facing.

"Oh!" the cameraman acknowledged suddenly whipping around to capture the strange metal ring at the far end of the room.

Within moments an explosion punched through the ring's center, retracting back into a rippling pool of blue, which filled the space with an unnatural glow.

"Alright...just through there," General Landry motioned to the gate, "And you'll be there in no time..."

"You've got to be shitting me," a petite woman with black hair, pulled up into a ponytail, came into scene, "I am not setting foot through that freaky ass thing..."

The director suddenly walked over to her, but she pushed him away.

"This was not what I signed up for," she yelled at him, smacking her gum madly.

"Julia, the project...you must always think of the project..." Todd calmed her.

"You owe me," she furiously retorted as she crossed her arms.

"And me..." one of the other production members piped in.

"If you're going, might I suggest that you do it now," General Landry broke the mounting drama, "We don't plan on leaving the gate open forever."

"You heard the man!" Todd called as he ushered everyone up the platform.

The cameraman stopped for a moment as the reel zoomed in on the wavering surface of the gate. With a deep breath he plunged through after the rest of the crew. Slightly disoriented he popped out the other side. Weaving briefly he started to feel wheezy. Car sick, plane sick, train sick, boat sick...he really shouldn't have signed up for this job. Suddenly he shot over to the side of the room, hurling his lunch onto the floor.

"Ah man...Dean..." Julian called, "Don't vomit for the camera!"

"Don't worry," came Todd's voice, "We can edit it out during post production..."

Finished he stood with the camera and turned to see a line of people standing near the gate. Most of them were moving their heads, trying to stare off in different directions. Gradually a blonde woman came forward.

"Ah...do you want to visit the infirmary?" she quickly asked.

"That'd be..."

"No...no he's fine. I'm Todd Barrett, director," he interrupted, offering a handshake.

"Hello," she stepped back after the exchange giving a wary look to the camera, "I'm Colonel Samantha Carter, head of operations, and I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Atlantis."


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1

* * *

**

The camera was focused on a chair with a white backdrop. Colonel Sheppard slowly walked into the frame and took a seat.

"Right here?" he asked sitting down.

"Yeah...that's great," a voice commented from behind the camera.

Sheppard rubbed his neck for a moment and looked around awkwardly.

"Please introduce yourself..."

"Oh...ah...I'm Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard of the United States Air Force. I'm currently the military commander of the Atlantis Expedition," he cleared his voice and stared directly into the lens, "Are you sure about this? I mean I feel silly doing this..."

"No...No that was great..."

"Right..." he replied with a slight scowl, "That wasn't really what I was getting at."

"So John...is it alright if I call you John?"

"Whatever floats your boat..."

"What is it like living in a distant galaxy?"

"Honestly?" he answered, perking up a bit as he glanced to the camera, "It's pretty cool."

* * *

"So would you like introductions?" Sam asked as she returned to the line of people.

Many of them passed nervous smiles to the camera.

"Oh, no, that won't be necessary. I will get names and perhaps numbers later," Todd answered with a laugh as he moved to nudge her in the arm.

Sam stepped aside and forced smile, "Alright...how would you like to begin?"

"Everyone, just proceed as if we aren't here," he addressed the room.

"Of course..." she raised her brows as she turned to everyone else, "Well you heard the man!"

Almost immediately the group parted ways, heading off to side corridors or up the staircase. Camera shy or work to do, though it seemed likely it was probably both that drove them away. The camera jolted around as the operator struggled to figure out which way to go.

"Who am I supposed to follow?" Dean, the cameraman, whispered to the director.

"Well I guess we'll go ahead with that meeting then," Sam said as she looked to Colonel Sheppard, the only person who still remained.

After a nod they headed up the stairs. Todd motioned with his head towards them.

"I think we should go with them," he reiterated, "Now...now...now..."

The cameraman jerked forward and the mass of film crew personnel formed together. Dashing up the stairs he suddenly came to a halt. Breathing deeply the view shifted to the ground.

"What are you doing?" Todd yelled as he lifted the camera back up, "Go...go...go..."

Within a mater of minutes they reached the tiny office where Samantha Carter was sitting at her desk speaking. The door opened and she drew to a pause as the film crew crowded into the space.

"Can we have 'secret' meetings from now on?" Colonel Sheppard remarked, more to himself as he turned away from the camera.

"Um...as I was saying..." Sam started up again.

Slowly the camera zoomed in nearing her face. She stopped mid-sentence and turned to glare at the cameraman.

"I'm sorry...what is this? You can't do that to a person..." she stated as she pushed her hand on the lens to force it back.

With her personal bubble restored she continued, "I've approved the off world mission..."

"Did you hear that everyone?" Todd whispered, "New set..."

"Hey...hey...hold on there buddy," Colonel Sheppard suddenly stepped forward and the camera moved in, "No one said you get to come along."

"Actually," Sam remarked as John managed a cringe, "As part of the agreement you can't really stop them, at least not on this low risk trip."

"If they're coming along they're going to have to follow my orders," he said hoping to make something of the mater.

"I agree completely..."

"Yeah...yeah...yeah..." Todd broke in, "Can we get over the talk about us? We're not supposed to be here, remember?"

"You keep telling yourself that..." Colonel Sheppard remarked as he moved towards the door, "We're done then? I'm going to step out. It's getting too crowded in here for my tastes."

The film crew moved with him. Passing a glare he looked to Sam for backing, she merely shrugged.

"At least they're not long term," she tried to find the positive.

* * *

Sitting in the chair with arms tightly crossed he cracked his neck.

"You are?"

"Ronon..." suddenly the sound microphone conked him on the head.

Instantly reacting he pulled his weapon aiming it just above the fixed camera.

"Okay...okay...ah...help! Someone help!"

The camera turned off. Suddenly the picture returned to Ronon sitting calmly with his arms once again crossed.

"Ah...you...are?"

"Ronon Dex."

"Alright...well I think that's enough for today."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2

* * *

**

Colonel Sheppard walked through the halls as if trying to loose the camera, but to no avail.

"So are we exploring another gate address?" Ronon's voice suddenly asked as he came up behind Sheppard.

"Yes, just got the ok," Colonel Sheppard responded, stopping himself from glancing back at the camera.

"Are they coming?" Ronon flashed an annoyed look to the crew.

"Yeah, don't remind me."

"So 'who' are they?"

"I don't know...the IOA sent them..." Sheppard added with a shrug.

"And we don't like them..."

"Right and after this, I think their meter is going into the double negative."

"What?"

"Never mind, let's just get the team together and move out," Colonel Sheppard stated as they continued down the corridor.

* * *

"Please introduce yourself..."

"To who?" she questioned as she shifted in the chair.

"To the camera."

She stared for a moment into the lens, raising a brow, "Why?"

"For viewers who may not know who you are."

She sat for a moment, completely still before she dropped her shoulders.

"I do not see the point of this..." she continued, "I am Teyla Emmagan, leader of the Athosian people..."

The room fell silent. Teyla looked around, her eyes noticeably narrowing.

"Can I leave now?" she finally said and as she started to stand the visual cut out.

"This video is going to be uninspiring...maybe we could stir up some drama," came a voice over the static.

An audible sigh soon followed.

"What? Not even a little for the sake of art?"

* * *

As Ronon and Colonel Sheppard finally came to a door at the end of the hallway they slipped inside. The crew moved to follow but Sheppard stuck his head out, stopping them.

"Technically...this 'is' a dressing room," no one responded so he narrowed his eyes, "That means no cameras allowed."

Slowly the lens turned to Todd, the director. He adamantly shook his head and pointed for the camera to follow. As the operator pivoted back around the door had already closed, sending him to head butt the metal barrier.

"Ah...damn it!" the cameraman wobbled the view, "I should get hazard pay for this!"

"Check the equipment, make sure its okay," Todd's panicked voice responded.

"Check the equipment, make sure its okay...you're an ass," a voice mocked as the film cut out.

* * *

"Your name?"

"Doctor Rodney McKay..." he stated before the interviewer interrupted him.

"It says in your file that your name is Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay."

"Okay...no. Cut please...You either want me to introduce myself or you don't?" he said as he started to move towards the camera.

"No," a hand suddenly reached over and slapped his as he went for the off button.

"Ow!" he cried as he pulled his hand away, "You know I never gave permission for you to film me?"

"We don't need it. This is purely for educational purposes and it's been classified."

"Yeah...well we'll just see about that," Rodney stated as he stood and walked off frame.

* * *

Suddenly the camera started rolling as the Atlantis gate stood active in the background.

"What did I tell you about keeping it on?" Todd yelled as he forced the camera back on Dean's shoulder.

"I've had enough of this," the cameraman's voice echoed from behind screen, "This is not what I signed up for and if I'm going through that thing again...it's to go home."

Suddenly the view angled and was briefly covered by the director's body as the equipment was placed in his hands.

"Hey, hey get back here..." Todd yelled before letting out a frustrated sigh, "Hey...hey you! Get over here."

The view returned as he placed the camera on some else's shoulder.

"You're the new cameraman," he stated wiping some of the dust from the lens.

"But...but I don't even know how to work this thing..."

"Don't work...just aim..." Todd said as he pushed the camera back towards the team.

"Can we go now?" Colonel Sheppard asked with an annoyed tone.

"Yes...and action!"

Colonel Sheppard let out a sigh as he turned away, "Whose bright idea was this again?"

"The real question is can we hurt them?" Ronon added.

"Maybe if we ignore them, they'll go away?" Teyla questioned as she passed the lens a brief smile.

"I think that's exactly what they want us to do..." Rodney chimed in.

"Why would they want that?" she further inquired.

"Don't ask," Sheppard broke in, "And I'm leaving..."

With that he stepped through the gate.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3

* * *

**

Standing in a meadow the team gradually moved forward. One-by-one the Atlantis people trudged through the tall grass and the cameraman fell in step.

"What's supposed to be here again?" Colonel Sheppard asked as he glanced over at Rodney.

"I don't know...the Ancient database didn't have a complete entry on this address."

"Great..." Sheppard remarked as he turned away.

"I wish I could be of help as well, but this planet was not frequented by my people," Teyla stated as she looked around.

Eventually the team neared the tree line, but before they entered a strange whistling sound filled the air.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Colonel Sheppard yelled.

"Wraith dart," Ronon growled.

"Move to the trees!" Colonel Sheppard called as the team all took cover, but the camera stayed put.

* * *

"So, tell us about the Wraith."

Colonel Sheppard shifted awkwardly in the chair before he clasped his hands on the armrests.

"They're bad...of course the fact that they consider us food definitely ends the chance of being friends."

"Really? What advice would you give if, say, one of us ran into the Wraith?"

"You?" he chuckled for a moment before his tone turned serious, "Run."

Looking them over as he strummed his fingers on one side of the seat he quickly added, "Really, really...really fast."

* * *

"Are you getting this?" Todd called from the cover of trees nearby.

"I said move to the trees!" Sheppard called again as he started to head for the cameraman.

"Yes!" came the response to Todd's question.

The camera jerked through the air now aimed at the sky as the dart maneuvered above. Then suddenly the lens shifted directly overhead.

"Oh crap..." the operator mumbled as blue filled the screen.

"Don't you take my camera!"

* * *

"Let's briefly discuss the Wraith..."

"We can talk about them when they're all dead," Ronon said as he cracked his knuckles.

"Right...not one for peace are you?"

Suddenly Ronon stood from his chair and gripped onto someone's shirt pulling them slightly into view.

"Do you have any idea what the Wraith have done? The people they've killed?"

"Help!"

"Whow there Ronon," Colonel Sheppard's voice called, "Let's not break the guests, even if they are rude."

Slowly Ronon let go of the man and he stumbled off frame. Ronon huffed in front of the camera, but never took a seat again.

"Thank you John for agreeing to keep watch over this interview," a relieved voice commented.

"Don't mention it...I kind of enjoy watching Ronon beat you guys up..."

* * *

The camera pivoted to capture the strange cell they were now locked in. Everything had the appearance of purplish muscle tissue. The operator kept holding his hand out to touch the wall, but his fingers wiggled for an instant before he pulled them back.

"Of course I'm mad!" the cameraman suddenly stated turning the lens to stare down the director.

"I don't see why..." Todd proclaimed into the camera as he adjusted his beret.

"You jumped towards certain death...for...the...camera."

"And?"

"And? A living person happens to be attached to it."

Suddenly a whimper came from off screen. Gradually the camera turned to see the sound guy huddled in the corner. He had on a plain t-shirt and jeans. His foot clad in faded converse kept tapping against the ground as a visible line of sweat dotted his brow.

"Oh man...oh man..." he kept repeating, "I shouldn't have dropped out of law school...oh man...oh man..."

Just then a strange sound echoed out and the camera turned to see the cell doors had opened, where a group of Wraith now stood in wait. The view began to shake. As the camera moved a Wraith suddenly lashed out grabbing the equipment. A brief shriek filled the air. The view tumbled around in the Wraith's hands before the scene suddenly pulled awkwardly close to his face. With narrowed eyes he shoved it back into the cameraman's stomach, the film recording a checkered sweater.

"Maybe you should hold the camera in a non-threatening manner..." Todd suggested with a defeated tone.

"Forget that."

"If you don't continue rolling, so help me God, they will be the least of your worries!"

"This way," the Wraith hissed.

Todd screamed.

"Yeah...who's the 'big' man now?" the cameraman griped as he held the equipment by his side, securing a view of Wraith legs ahead.

Finally coming to a stop what appeared to be a dress came into frame.

"Tell me where your friends have gone," an eerie female voice commanded.

"Ah...we come in peace..."

"Shut up Todd! We're not visiting..."

"It was worth a try."

Suddenly a Wraith pushed the sound guy forward as some grungy jeans neared the dress.

"Peter!" a voice called, but faded as the sound guy dropped to his knees a pale hand forced to his chest.

Peter looked up in shock as his skin pulled tight across his bones and his hair slowly faded to a wispy white. Before his body hit the floor the cameraman tipped with a loud thud as the camera fell into a stationary view of feet. A pair of sandals suddenly walked into the frame.

"Hey wake up...Ned...hey!"

Slowly a deep breath answered and the sandaled feet suddenly strolled off camera.

"Help out Peter. Do you know CRP?"

"CRP!" Ned exclaimed as two feet moved into view, jumping up and down, "Todd, I've seen mummies that look more alive than him."

"Wait, where's the camera?"

"Screw the camera! Peter's been de-liquefied or prune-ified or something. Oh man, we're so dead!"


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4

* * *

**

"Please introduce yourself..."

"My name is Major Evan Lorne with the United States Air Force," he stated as he clasped his hands in his lap.

"So I hear..."

Suddenly a smile started to tug on Major Lorne's lips. He rubbed his chin for a moment with his hand to conceal it, but eventually a brief laugh escaped.

"I'm sorry..." he said as he put his hands up, "You have a giant green thing on your teeth..."

"What?"

"Hey...turn this way...oh yeah he's right. It's like...oh...it's kinda gross..."

Major Lorne had propped his elbow on the arm of the chair, pressing his lips against his fist. After the comment a second laugh emanated from his direction. The camera cut out.

* * *

As the camera moved back and forth watching Todd pace in the cell he mumbled to himself. Eventually the view turned and a nervous face filled the screen. A middle-aged man with graying hair and tired brown eyes stared intently into the equipment.

"My name is Ned Walters," he said before he was interrupted.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm recording my last will and testament..."

"No...no...no...keep filming."

"Filming what? There...is...no...one...here."

"We're going to get out of this. We just have to tell them what they want to know," Todd said as the camera turned to film him again.

"Tell them what? You're 'they went through the gate thing' didn't get us anywhere, except back in this cage."

Suddenly a sound emanated from off camera and it turned to see Colonel Sheppard peering through the cell.

"You know agreeing to follow my orders means you're supposed to listen to me! Not doing so got 'you' captured by the Wraith," he harshly whispered as Rodney worked nearby to open the door.

Before it was finished weapons fire broke out and Sheppard, Ronon, and Major Lorne moved to return fire. When the door finally slid open it had all ceased.

"Let's get out of here and get to the gate," Colonel Sheppard called as he ushered the crew out of the enclosure.

The team moved ahead of them, keeping an eye out for Wraith. As they passed the fallen enemy the party came to a halt. A group of Wraith was up ahead. As the Wraith approached Colonel Sheppard prepared to fire. Suddenly an energy pulse struck him from behind and he toppled over. The event drew the Wraith's attention, but before they could attack Ronon stepped forward shooting them dead. Passing a quick glare to the camera he walked over to Sheppard and shook him. Rodney and Major Lorne moved to keep watch. It took a moment but Colonel Sheppard gradually opened his eyes. He'd been luckily the weapon was set to stun.

"What..." he started to say as he tried to stand, but a look passed over his face.

Suddenly oblivious to his hindered state Colonel Sheppard rose and walked by the camera, which slowly followed him.

"You just shot me!" he called as he came up to Todd who was nervously holding a Wraith weapon he'd taken from one of the Wraith that had fallen nearby from the first exchange.

"Not on purpose..." Todd finally answered.

"Give me that! You could've killed me," Sheppard with a flustered brow took away the gun, "New rule...no weapons for any of you..."

"But what about the Wraith?" Todd interjected.

"You already tried to kill one..." Ronon answered, "It didn't go well."

"It looks clear ahead..." Major Lorne suddenly stated as he glanced over to Colonel Sheppard.

"Then let's get out of here," Sheppard replied as he dropped the subject of his near death experience.

* * *

"So tell us what it's been like serving as a member of Atlantis? Do you feel that you're treated differently since you aren't native to Earth?"

Teyla sat for a moment, thinking. Eventually she rose from the chair and began to speak up into the air.

"I believe I have been welcomed as a valued member..."

"Wait...I'm sorry...what are you doing?"

"You said that this device," she reached up and tugged on the microphone pulling it into frame before it was jerked away, "Was for recording my voice...should I not speak into it?"

"No...No, I'll only explain this once more it can...you know what kill the camera."

"I thought you said 'always keep it on.'"

"Just kill the camera!"

"Alright," the voice faded out as the picture died.

* * *

The team had managed to escape the Wraith without further incident. The camera immediately launched through the portal after it was dialed and as they all came through the gate everyone stood for a moment to catch their breath. The Atlantis team on the other hand merely walked through, glancing around.

"Quack...quack..."

Slowly the camera turned as a duck waddled in through the stargate. The bird craned its neck staring around the room. Everyone nearby watched on with a baffled look on their faces.

"Quack...quack..."

"Ah..." Colonel Sheppard scratched his head, "What's the protocol on animal invasion?"

With a chorus of shrugs only Rodney answered.

"Aren't you in charge of security?" he asked.

"Alright, catch it," Sheppard stated.

McKay started to laugh as he shook his head, "I don't think so."

"It's just a duck..."

"Correction...it's a bird, as in Hitchcock's Birds, as in I don't want my eyeballs pecked out..."

"What are you talking about?" Ronon suddenly interrupted.

"It's a movie...in it birds start to attack people..."

"Why were they attacking?" Ronon asked with a raised brow.

"Well they..." Rodney paused, "You know that's a really good question. They never actually answered that in the movie."

"Your planet is strange..." Ronon said as he slowly walked off.

"Hey where are you going?" Rodney called as Ronon went up the stairs.

"It's a bird..." and when that didn't merit a response he continued, "Come get me if it's a Wraith bird, that, I could help you with."

"I second that," Major Lorne suddenly stated as he came up beside Ronon.

Before anyone could reply they both disappeared up the stairs.

"Well if they're not going to help..." McKay started towards the staircase as well.

Suddenly from the bottom of the screen the duck padded into view.

"Quack...quack..."

McKay froze.

"It's following me isn't it?" he whispered without turning around.

Abruptly from the control room Sam emerged and proceeded down the stairs.

"It's good to have you all back..." she paused, her mouth open for a moment, "Is that a duck?"


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5

* * *

**

"Alright...if you'll just look into the camera and tell us who you are..."

"Hello, I'm Colonel Samantha Carter of the United States Air Force. I am currently heading the Atlantis expedition and I was previously a member of the SGC," she stated nodding her head for a moment, "Oh...ah Stargate Command..."

"So Samantha..."

"Just Sam..."

"Right," the interviewer laughed, "Add your digits and we'll be done."

She joined in his laughter for an instant before letting it fade into a forced smile, "No."

An awkward silence fell over the room. Sam glanced around as she shifted in her seat.

"Rodney? What are you doing here?" she suddenly asked.

"Oh...great you scheduled it all wrong...the interviews aren't supposed to overlap!"

"I'm sorry..."

"Hi, am I early?" Rodney's voice asked from behind the camera, "You know I can just leave..."

"No..." Sam replied as she stood, "Rodney, please take a seat. We've just finished up..."

"No we haven't..."

"No really it's fine...you just continue..." Rodney stated.

"Rodney..." she started.

The camera briefly cut out, but quickly returned to Rodney sitting in the chair. He appeared thoroughly annoyed.

"I would just like to state, that I am here under extreme protest," he finally chimed before immediately adding, "Any day now..."

"So we have reason to believe that you were considering marrying a member of the Atlantis expedition, any thoughts on that?"

"What? No...Definitely not. I don't have any idea what you're talking about," Rodney suddenly leaned forward in his chair as his voice dropped down to a whisper, "Seriously who told you that?"

"So it's true?"

"I plead the fifth..."

"Doctor McKay...this is not a court hearing."

"I don't care...I plead the fifth and that's all I have to say about that, next question."

* * *

"Will someone just stun it or something?" Rodney said as he started to briskly walk in circles with the duck trailing behind.

"Quack...quack..."

"Rodney, I'm sorry, but I don't think that's appropriate," Sam replied as she glanced to the camera.

"What?" Rodney exclaimed, "We killed Wraith on camera. They are supremely intelligent compared to this...thing..."

"I dunno...I think it's kinda cute," Colonel Sheppard suddenly added, which caused everyone to turn in his direction, "What? I like animals...so sue me."

Looking around Sheppard quickly raised his finger to amend his comment, "But I don't like bugs..."

"Bugs fall under a unique classification, unrelated to the term animals, which is more commonly associated with the mammal species," McKay retorted matter-of-factly before his tone quickly changed as he continued his loop, "By the way, thank you for that immensely helpful declaration, now will someone do something?"

"How much of a threat do you think it poses?" Sam asked Colonel Sheppard.

"Unless it's carrying some rabid disease, I'd say none," Sheppard replied.

"Right...I was thinking the same," she then turned to look at Rodney, "If you could escort your new friend and the camera crew to the infirmary for a quick check-up."

"Wait why me?" he griped back, "These guys could follow anyone around..."

"You're exactly right, but the duck won't."

"But we're perfectly fine," Todd the director argued as he came into view.

"That wasn't a request," Sam stated as she walked away.

Colonel Sheppard followed.

Rodney stared down at the duck, which waddled up to him as he stopped tracing a circle, "I really dislike you."

"Quack...quack..."

* * *

"Please introduce yourself..."

"Well, my name is Doctor Jennifer Keller. I serve as the head of medicine on Atlantis," she paused and suddenly waved into the camera, "Hi, mom and dad!"

"I really doubt your parents are going to see this film..."

"That's such a shame...You've come all the way here just to record us and stuff the footage into some classified bunker."

"Well that last part really isn't my fault."

"I suppose..." she stated with a sigh, "Well...hello whoever's watching this!"

With a cheery smile she waved into the camera again.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6

* * *

**

"Oh...Rodney I didn't know you had a pet," Jennifer comment as he walked into the infirmary with the duck in tail.

He scowled for a moment, "I do not have a pet. It's a duck. Not a pet. But if you want it, please, take it."

"No, that's okay. I think she kind of likes you."

"So now it's a she?"

"Or he...you don't have to be so touchy about it..."

They both fell silent for a moment.

"Sam wants you to examine it for any possible contagions," Rodney suddenly stated.

"What?" she laughed, "I examine humans...I have no practical veterinary knowledge."

"Yeah well...not my problem," Rodney shrugged, "Oh, and these guys have been in Wraith captivity. They need a full check-up."

"Yes, thank you Rodney. That Sam informed me of," she suddenly turned to the cameraman and paused staring awkwardly into the lens, "Ah...gentlemen...if I can just get you to take a seat in a bed, some of my staff will begin to examine you."

"But we're fine..." Todd remarked as he did a spin.

"Kay, that's good to hear. Now please take a seat so you can begin your physical."

With a sigh from Todd, he and the cameraman proceeded towards a bed. Climbing onto it the camera view went skewed on the floor before focusing on Jennifer, Rodney, and the duck.

"Well, guess I should start working on you," Jennifer stated as she smiled down at the duck.

"Quack...quack..."

Bending down she reached out to pick the duck up, but before she could grab hold it started to fly around the room. Rodney started to holler as he waved his hands around and tried to avoid the flying bird. Jennifer stopped chasing after it and placed her hands firmly on her waist.

"Quack...quack..." it voiced as it settled back on the floor and padded over to stand next to McKay.

"Well that didn't work..."

"Really?" Rodney huffed as he came to a halt, "What makes you think that?"

"Rodney..." Jennifer slowly started as she looked over at him.

His eyes widened for a moment as he backed away.

"No," he firmly stated.

"What? I haven't even said anything..." Jennifer remarked.

"I don't care. I know what you're going to say and the answer is no."

* * *

"You know, I have to be honest...sometimes I can't believe I'm here and I worry that I won't be able to do this," Jennifer said as she looked into the camera, "I mean I'm in a whole different galaxy. I don't think I'm as prepared as I should be, but then again I'm not really sure what else I could have done..."

"Doctor Keller, I'm sorry, but I just asked the name of your parents."

"Oh...I'm so sorry. Wait, is there a time limit?" she questioned.

"No, it's fine."

"Okay...good. Well I should return to my duties," she stated with a smile as she stood up and walked away.

"But...ah...we didn't finish the set questions."

"Maybe next session?"

"Do we need a next session? I think she just gave us her life story..."

"I don't know. Can we get a playback? Maybe we can use the footage."

Suddenly the camera started to rewind.

* * *

"See that wasn't so bad..." Jennifer stated as Rodney stood holding the duck on the nearby table.

"Quack...quack..." the duck started up again as it craned its neck, focusing its shiny black eyes on Rodney.

"Speak for yourself..." Rodney fumed, "Are you planning on paying the bill when I need therapy?"

Jennifer laughed, "Come on. You just walked over and picked it right up. No flying. No pecking. No anything."

"I don't care. This is highly stressful given my existing fear of birds."

"Well then I'm glad you did it. Sometimes you just need to face what you're afraid of and see that it's really not that bad."

"I say this once more, speak for yourself."

With a smile Jennifer shook her head and walked away. After a period off camera she returned.

"Well it appears all is in order," she turned to the camera crew, "You checked out and are now free to go."

"And the duck?" Rodney asked quickly letting go of the bird.

"She's free to go to."

"What?" Rodney cried, "You can't quarantine it or something? Maybe it's a health risk...flying around the city. What if it runs into someone?"

"I think the only person its going to run into is you. So you might want to avoid any fast stops."

Rodney opened his mouth to comment, but paused, "That's not funny."

"Sorry," Jennifer replied, "But there's really nothing I can do..."

With crossed arms Rodney started towards the door. The crew immediately jumped up to follow.

"I don't think so. Go bother someone else," Rodney said waving at the camera.

"What about the duck?" Todd remarked, "She gets to follow you..."

"I'm loosing it in the hallway..." Rodney reluctantly stated as he marched out of the room with the duck waddling close behind.

* * *

Ronon sat idly in the chair, eyes locked on to whoever happened to be behind the camera.

"Okay...well it seems Colonel Sheppard is otherwise engaged, so we're going to have to do this on our own..."

Ronon smiled.

"So I thought we'd try a different approach?"

Ronon continued his unwavering stare.

"Alrighty, ah we're just going to open this up. What do you want to talk about?"

Ronon sat for a moment; blinking a few times he stood up and walked off frame.

"Hey! Where are you going?"

"Couldn't think of anything," Ronon replied.

"Damn it! That didn't work either...kill the camera."

Abruptly the feed went dead.

* * *

As the camera man walked down the hallway slews of personnel ahead took detours, disappearing down random off-shoots before the camera closed in.

"Well this is just great...How are we supposed to film life if all the 'life' keeps running away?" Todd comment as he kept in stride, his profile coming into frame every-so-often.

Suddenly a thud rang out from nearby.

"Did you hear that?"

"Of course I did," Todd remarked, "Find it!"

Weaving through the hall the camera rushed into a room capturing the image of Ronon helping Colonel Sheppard up. Sheppard stood for a moment rubbing his back.

"Now why'd you have to go and do that?" Colonel Sheppard complained before they both fell silent and stared at the camera.

"We're not here," Todd restated his request.

"Yeah you are," Ronon promptly replied.

"You know that's a great idea," Colonel Sheppard interjected as everyone turned to stare at him, confused by his remark.

"What?" Todd and Ronon both inquired, though Ronon sounded more puzzled.

"Maybe good ol' Todd would like to go for a round..." he smiled as he reached down and picked up his sparing sticks, "Nothing like capturing off-world life first hand, eh?"

"What? No..." Todd slowly backed away as Colonel Sheppard placed them in his hands.

"Go easy on him," Sheppard remarked as he walked off to the side, giving Ronon a pat on the back.

"Is that an order?" Ronon asked with a raised brow.

"No."

"Good. 'Cuz I'm not following it," Ronon smiled as he turned to Todd who looked oddly out of place holding the sticks.

"What is this? Some kind of game?" Todd asked.

"I guess you could say that..." Colonel Sheppard replied as Ronon stalked towards his new sparring partner.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7

* * *

**

"So you were married?"

Colonel Sheppard shifted uncomfortably in his seat, "Yes."

"Married again?"

"No."

"Seeing anyone?"

Colonel Sheppard's eyebrow rose, "What does this have to do with anything?"

"Nothing...Damn it Julie I can't ask these questions."

"Todd..." a woman's voice called followed by a smack.

"Ouch! What? Why don't you just ask him yourself?"

Colonel Sheppard looked around for a moment before smirking, "You know...I think I'm going to go..."

* * *

"Ahhh...Ahh...Ahhhhhh...stay away!" Todd screamed as he ran around the room.

Ronon stood idly in the center of the space, loosely holding the sparring sticks.

"I didn't even hit you that hard," he exclaimed before he glanced over at Colonel Sheppard, "Did I hit him that hard?"

"Are you sure you made contact?" Colonel Sheppard replied, "I really don't think you did..."

Suddenly Todd came to a stop as he realized the camera was following him around.

"Yes, keep it rolling," he stated into the lens, "I need proof of this abuse!"

"I personally wouldn't want any evidence of an incident that left me screaming like a little girl, but whatever makes you happy," Colonel Sheppard remarked.

Todd crossed his arms after he'd placed the sparring sticks on the ground, apparently not amused by the comment.

Suddenly Colonel Sheppard raised his hand to his ear and appeared deep in thought.

"We're on our way," he stated before he paused for awhile.

"Yeah...they're already here," Colonel Sheppard said as he smiled at the camera.

Finally he dropped his hand and glanced at Ronon.

"Conference room?" Ronon asked before he could speak.

"Yeah, looks like more planetary exploration..."

"Great..." a voice drearily spoke from behind the camera.

* * *

"So how does such a beautiful woman end up in charge of an expedition in another galaxy?"

Sam moved to answer, but stopped herself, "Todd, as much as I'm flattered by your apparent attraction to me, I would appreciate it if you would keep your personal feelings out of this government document..."

"You're flattered?"

Sam stared into the camera, "I meant it to be polite..."

"But you're flattered? So how do you feel about dinner?"

Sam's jaw tightened, but slowly a smile came across her face.

"I was appointed to this position based off of my previous experience as a member of the original SG-1 team," Sam ignored Todd and proceeded to answer his original question, "I believe Stargate Command felt that I could handle the threats and possibilities posed by this galaxy."

* * *

"I've decided to okay another off world mission," Sam declared as the team sat in the meeting room, "The last planet has been blacklisted, but hopefully this next one shouldn't bring you any run-ins with the Wraith..."

"Quack...quack..."

"I..." she paused, "Why is the duck in here?"

Rodney shifted as everyone looked at him, his innocent demeanor quickly changed as he noted everyone's stares, "You know you should really be asking, why is the duck in Atlantis? I for one think this is a matter that 'needs' to be addressed."

"All for addressing the matter of the duck?" Colonel Sheppard questioned as no one but Rodney raised their hands, "Right, so on with the present topic."

"You know this is a real problem..." Rodney complained.

"I'm sure the duck will eventually grow tired of you," Colonel Sheppard tried to reassure him.

"Really?" he inquired as he glanced to the floor, "Why don't you go follow Ronon?"

Suddenly a brief growl escaped Ronon's lips.

Rodney's eyes widened, "Okay...don't do that."

"As I was saying," Sam interrupted, "I've okayed an off world mission..."

The team all stared at her.

"Maybe you should prepare yourselves and leave..." she added.

That prompted everyone to stand and exit the room.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8

* * *

**

"Really, another hot sandy place?" Colonel Sheppard gripped as they emerged from the gate to a large barren desert, "Why can't we ever find a hot sandy place with a beach?"

"You know given the variations in planets and suns, there's no way of knowing how harmful long term exposure to foreign rays would be..."

"Thanks for ruining the dream Rodney..."

"Quack...quack..."

"Never mind...that made everything better," Colonel Sheppard grinned as he set forth into the sand.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Rodney exclaimed as he stared down at the little white duck standing by his feet.

Ronon patted McKay on the back as he moved to follow Sheppard.

"Think of it as a good omen..." Teyla suddenly commented as she followed the rest of the team.

"Good omen?" Rodney remarked, "That's a horrible way to comfort someone..."

As Rodney finally stepped into the sea of sand the camera crew quickly fell in step behind him, though after his animal companion.

* * *

Rodney sat in the chair watching with slight horror at whatever was occurring behind the camera. Suddenly Todd came into view sliding a flapping duck onto Rodney's lap. He sat ridged as he stared down at the bird.

"What are you doing?" Rodney called as he pressed back into his seat.

"We felt the duck would be a great addition to this scene. The bird really humanizes you."

"What?" Rodney remarked as his attention had been drawn from the duck perched on his leg, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you tend to come off a bit..."

"Scary."

"Yes, scary on camera. You appear very angry. We thought the animal would distract from that fact."

"You thought the duck would detract from me being angry?" he barked back, "I...am...angry...because...I...am...on...camera! You lunatics have been here for days..."

The crew fell silent.

"I can't take this anymore," McKay suddenly yelled as he stood up prompting the duck to jump from his lap, "You are all...going down!"

He pointed a finger as he madly stared at the camera crew. With a huff he marched off.

"Quack...quack..."

"And so are you!" he cried in response.

"Did he just have a manic episode?"

"Are you sure that wasn't just him?"

The talking stopped for a few seconds.

"Maybe you're right...ah, is the next interviewee here?"

* * *

"Water..." a voice huffed from behind the camera.

"I find it alarming..." Teyla suddenly remarked.

"What?" Colonel Sheppard asked as he glanced back.

"That Rodney has not complained once during the course of this mission. We are almost back to the stargate..."

Colonel Sheppard paused, thinking for a moment, "You know you're right. That is odd."

"Water..." the tired voice behind the camera huffed again.

Suddenly in the distance the ring of the stargate started to peek into view.

"Well this planet was boring. What do you all say we get out of here? And if you say water one more time I'm going to sick Ronon on you...you've already drank it all!" Sheppard remarked as he pointed a threatening finger towards someone behind the camera.

"You guys go ahead, I'll be right behind you," Rodney stated as he came to a stop.

"Rodney?" Colonel Sheppard questioned.

"No...no...don't worry about me. I'll be right behind you," he stated again as the team slowly continued towards the gate.

The camera crew stayed with him.

"That means you too..." he frustratingly added prompting the crew to leave him behind.

* * *

"Do you think after this we could have a word with you?"

"What is it regarding?" she asked with a raised brow.

"Well we're having trouble getting your team member, Ronon, to open up on camera."

"I do not think that is a matter I am qualified to help you with," she calmly stated with a smile, "If we could continue, I have a check-up scheduled with Doctor Keller."

"For the baby?"

"Yes," she beamed.

"You obviously have a great deal of care for your baby...but do you think that it's wise for you to continue as a member of Colonel Sheppard's team? These missions seem to pose a threat to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child..."

Teyla quickly stopped his line of questioning, "When the treat posed is too great I will step aside from the mission. I did not accompany Colonel Sheppard during your rescue...And as of now, my pregnancy is early enough along, that I feel I can still be of value to the team. If that is all...I believe we are done."

* * *

"Run!" Rodney suddenly yelled as he came barreling through the sand.

The team in a panic immediately went through the gate. Emerging on the other side everyone's breathing was labored. Rodney soon followed.

"What was that about?" Colonel Sheppard inquired to Rodney, who had doubled over trying to catch his breath.

"Oh...I'm free. I finally lost it..." Rodney said between gasps.

Colonel Sheppard scowled, "Damn it Rodney you got everyone worked up over nothing."

"But I...finally...lost it," he reaffirmed as he gleefully headed towards the stairs, "Ha-ha...the duck is gone...the duck is gone..."

"Quack...quack..."

Rodney let out a long mumble of inaudible words as he stamped up the stairs with the duck once again in tail.

"What was that about?" Sam asked as she looked at the team members.

"Rodney was trying to loose his pet," Ronon stated.

"It is not 'my' pet," Rodney's voice yelled from somewhere distant.

"He's just mad. He couldn't run fast enough..." Colonel Sheppard whispered to Sam.

"I heard that!" Rodney called again prompting the team to burst out in laughter.


End file.
